@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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