$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
