ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize