I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize