I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
