In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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