I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
