it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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