I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
