I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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