i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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