What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
