Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
where does the pee come out of this thing
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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