Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
