So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
