dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You smell like stripper and shame
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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