you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
