my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
People in love make me want to vomit
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
