is your mom at the bar?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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