I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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