I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
