Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
