He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
