Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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