I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
