What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
