then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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