So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
