before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
