Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
