i just sent this text using only my big toe
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
