Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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