The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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