I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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