Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
