just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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