My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
