if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
