Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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