party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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