Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
