how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
