Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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