so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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