i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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