If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
