I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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