Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
