so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
