I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
