what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
