3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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