I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize