The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
