you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
