Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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