I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
