On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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