my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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