i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
