God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
