We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize