You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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