if i can run in heels then i can drive
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
