Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
