onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
